I Still Don't Sleep At Night

THE REASON I DON'T SLEEP AT NIGHT

It's Friday night and most people are starting to jump with joy juice by now. No? Well, they're starting to at least relax, let's hope. How about a little jukebox music, what do you say? I don't really care for country music but I like the title, and some of the other songs are a hoot. Besides, if you don't sing, hum or whistle, you're not going to hear a thing. Let's have a good loud round of You're the Reason I Don't Sleep At Night. Twang those gee-tars.

And, in case you're interested, it's not a man depriving me of my beauty sleep. It's not a job. It's not a child. I'm a natural night owl. I always have been, and I expect I always will be. Sometimes I help myself a bit with my drug of choice. It's legal and harmless taken as directed, and if you don't know what it is, you might end up being grateful to me. I consider it the perfect drug for blogging and cruising the internet. Your thinking is sharp and clear. You have enough mental energy to last all night. It's absolutely the greatest for losing weight without the little side effects like insanity that come with drugs like Dexadrine. Let them outlaw ephedra. Who needs it? (But not if you have high blood pressure, heart or kidney problems. or other serious health problems.) It's Phentermine. It will keep you going.

So What Do YOU Think? COMMENTS?

FINALLY SEEING THE FOREST

If any of you read earlier posts or looked at my links, you would know that Dennis Kucinich had been my choice as the person with the vision to lead this country out of the depths of decay and destruction Bush et al have put it in. I voted for him in the MoveOn primary, and someone from MoveOn sent me an e-mail with the vote results, saying that he, too, supported Dennis. Today I decided it's time to say adieu. I am going with the Dean camp for a number of reasons, and not just because I would vote for Satan if he had a better chance against Bush. I do it with a glad heart.

First, and this is pertinent, let me tell you about the two websites you should know about if you don't. And forgive me webloggers if I'm telling you about something as common as Burger King. This is still all new to me. I am lost in Wonderland here.

I found the first one, again, through that giver of all riches What's On Rebecca's Portal.
It is Technorati: Web Services for Bloggers also known as Cosmo. This site will tell you how many weblogs link to you and which ones they are. It will also allow you to search for keywords to see what topics are coming up a lot in which blogs. You can subscribe for $5.00 and create a watchlist to be e-mailed the information on your own blog and any other blogs you want. Or you can get the info for free like I did.

So I entered "FCC legislation" as a keyword search to see how many webloggers were writing about this issue now. It turns out 65 were. I was impressed. Not too many at all were writing about it before the June 2nd vote. A few weblogs stood out and I went to investigate.

And boy did I strike gold. I have a new weblog for daily reading. It will also be a new link. It takes off from the second you hit the page. It's Seeing the Forest. Dave Johnson writes with passion about the issues. And he really knows what's going on. It turns out he is a Fellow at the Commonweal Institute, "a new think tank and communications organization working to bring positive moderate and progressive messages to the public and build widespread support for the issues we all care about."

Getting back to Kucinich, what I found out was that, hold onto your hats, he was one of the 31 Dems who voted along with the 227 Republicans to launch the impeachment inquiry against Clinton. Yes-sir-yee-bop, as Ohio Rep in the House Vote on Impeachment Inquiry, on October 9, 1998, Kucinich voted with the Republicans. I'm afraid so. That's especially interesting considering how much support he's received from MoveOn, which Joan Blades and Wes Boyd founded out of frustration in reaction to the whole partisan impeachment process.

Then I watched this video of Dean's speech at the Democratic Convention in California. I know I was so sold on Kucinich that I didn't pay enough attention to Dean. Now I am. If you haven't seen seen this speech, please watch it. It is powerful. "I want my country back. We want our country back, " he says. I read that some in the audience were crying. I could cry. He's got my vote and some of my money. I go quite willingly and gladly to support Howard Dean.

I am putting up my Howard Dean link and signs, and I feel proud to do so. I have my hopes pinned on him, and my prayers.

IF ONLY IT WERE JUST A CARTOON

Oh, don't worry, I have some things to tell you today. I found out a BIG thing about my definitely FORMER man to save this country, Dennis Kucinich. Much more on that later. For now, pull up a chair and watch a little cartoon I borrowed from the nice people over at OpEdNews. Here it is: Bush's Vision for the Supreme Court. Have some virtual popcorn, but try not to choke on it.

URBAN HOMESTEADING

Hot town. Summer in the city. I'm not sure how I came across this Path to Freedom blog. I was sort of idly gazing at the "sunny sunflowers" in a somewhat self-pitying way. I didn't recall seeing too many flowers lately, or maybe all is jaundiced to the jaundiced eye. Then I saw the apple pie and read something about baby ducks. I began to perk up.

I'm a sucker for baby ducks. I'm in the generation that just accepted that on Easter the Easter Bunny brought you live baby chickens and ducks. I hate to say it, but sometimes the chicks were even dyed pastel--but we never got those. We usually found a farm somewhere for the nasty, smelly chickens when they reached their gangly teen phase, but the ducks we loved. We even took baths with them. It was our Dad's idea and we were kids. What did we know? Our basement flooded one time and my Dad's first course of action was to send in the ducks. What a guy. Sure do miss him.

I'll cut this short and get back to the apple pie and sunflower blog, but big problems occurred when the ducks were full grown and could fly. They would roost on the roof of the garage. Unfortunately, they didn't respect neighborly boundaries when it came to where they would take their little pellet dumps. There was duck shit everywhere. Us kids (that includes Dad) weren't going to clean it up. And my mother hated the ducks. Finally they had to take their one-way trip to the farm. I was unconsolable. I'll tell you this right now. To this day, buddy, when I see a duck I always say hello. Quack!

So I am looking at this nostalgic to me weblog, reminiscing about my sojourns in various rural parts, and envying these people two-forty. Lucky stiffs--living in some remote outpost--what's it say here, homesteading? I've been living in the city again for quite a while. Then I see it says "urban" homesteading. So I clicked on the first upper-left link about homesteading, and sure enough they are living in Pasadena, CA. It is all members of one large family. They have a philosophy about living a simple, self-sufficient life, but they don't have anything like a farm. They do have a car, but try to use it as minimally as possible. They buy in bulk. They raise edible flowers and herbs in their yard and sell to local restaurants. They want to help others to become self-sufficient and free as well. They give tours of their urban homestead two days a week. And right now in the weblog, they are giving free plant seeds away to children, and publishing their letters.

So I'm happy I ran into the Dervaes' blog. It kind of snapped me out of feeling sorry for myself. You know, it's what you make of it and all that. There's no reason I'm not growing some nice tomatoes and sunflowers, or at least city pansies, except that I didn't think about it earlier. And I'm way ahead of them on the living simpler stuff. I don't own a car and haven't in years. I do hate the SUV's and all road hogs, and all that pollution. Frankly, I don't like anyone who thinks bicycles belong on the sidewalk. I was extremely interested tonight in a bit of news from another weblog about living a more natural, less dependent life. I it found listed in Rebecca's Portal. It was listed under "food, glorious food." It's called fuck corporate groceries, which called out to me for so many reasons, starting with genetically altered foods and rushing right into preservative and antibiotic additions I didn't ask for, don't want.

I found two things I could grab and run with today. One, how to kill fruit flies without insecticide--worth the price of admission right there. Put out a glass of sweet wine. They drink themselves to death. And two, the writer, a fellow bicycle shopper who also lives in Chicago without a car, advises using a bike rack with a milk crate to eliminate heavy backpacks that can't carry enough anyhow. This I have to try. My back does not like it when I bring home cases of Diet Coke in my guaranteed-for-30-years Jansport Backpack. My back should only hold up as well as that backpack.

I have to go back and read this delicious, chocolately blog some more and check out the great Chicago resources. But I read enough to know that these fuck corporate grocery people are not growing their own. They are going on bicycle, foot, el and whatever to farmer's markets, specialty shops, restaurants, produce markets, things like that.

Here's to simpler living I say, as I light up a Native all natural $9.35/carton cigarette, which, I know, is still insane-smoking, but what the hell. One step at a time. Do they make a back to nature version of Diet Coke? And don't say water. I need the fizz and I need the caffeine and whatever secret drug they still put in that stuff that makes it special. I'll live with the rest of the cast of Survivors off Borneo and fight with them over who digs the latrines as long as there's Diet Coke. I guess I wouldn't last too long. I'd want to take a shower anyhow.

Some night when we're sitting around the fire just shooting the shit, I'll tell you some stories about way back in the 70's, and the back-to-the-land movement going on then. One time I spent three months living in nothing but a tarp lean-to 15 miles from the Canadian border on the Ely River. Another time my husband at the time and I moved from Chicago to a town in Southern Illinois so small there wasn't but one stop sign in the whole town. The geese had full run of the main drag. It took the natives two, three years not to warm up to us, no; not to accept us, no; but to sort of say hello; how are you. Many's a story in that town--Sand Ridge, IL., population at the time: 50. I grant you that it didn't help that we had what you might call a different lifestyle than most of them, but still...

Yeah, thanks Dervaes' for reminding me that country living is not all you might think when you're a city mouse stuck living with too much concrete in July. Yeah, the novelty of having your own well water rubs off fast when the well runs dry. Then you find out the plumbing was shaky anyhow. That's why the old outhouse was still standing all along. It wasn't there for decorative purposes. And boy, when it's June and you're in your twenties, and you find a house sitting on five acres in the middle of nowhere with an actual rose-covered trellis, it DOES seem romantic to think about the cozy nights that will be spent around the old wood-heated space heater.

Ha. Ha. Ha. I do know now that Hell must be cold. It can't be hot. I prayed and prayed to be hot again. I don't ever want to be that cold again.

So one of these days we'll talk some about country living. Till then let's read about other people who are getting by very well without living there.

"The airwaves belong to the people,"

U.S. Sen. Byron Dorgan (D-ND).

When last we saw them, more than a million people had stormed George Bailey's Bank, no, wait. This wasn't a movie. We're not in Bedford Falls. I just get so caught up in the excitement of people actually fighting not just a bank or City Hall, but something way bigger, that I can almost see it happening. This time the power of the people stormed the FCC's e-mails, postboxes, faxes, telephones and reception areas.

Here, let FCC "dissident" (MsRefusnik feels akin to that word) Chairman Michael Copps say it, because he says it well, "Can't you just see unending lines of diverse people walking through broken down doors?):

"This Commission's drive to loosen the rules. and its reluctance to share its proposals with the people before we voted, awoke a sleeping giant. American citizens are standing up in never-before-seen numbers to reclaim their airwaves, and to call on those who are entrusted to use them to serve the public interest. In these times when many issues divide us, groups from right to left, Republicans and Democrats, concerned parents and creative artists, religious leaders, civil rights activists, and labor organizations have united to fight together on this issue. Senators and Congressmen from both parties and from all parts of the Country have called on the Commission to reconsider. The media concentration debate will never be the same."

He left out the Dixie Chicks and a group representing Hispanics in the media who were two of the contingents present at today's FCC meeting. (BTW, the majority of the hearing was spent with the reportedly shocked Senators McCain, Dorgan and Boxer learning that what amounted to political censorship could really be imposed as a ban on an artist from corporate headquarters (Cumulus) and was binding on its program directors.)

Read the whole Common Dreams article and review the legislation. Do whatever it takes to renew your fervor, but don't let the momentum stop. Because the bills that the Senate Commerce Committee support, S. 1046 and S. 1264 still need to get through the full Senate and House. As of my e-mail's today, they have 38 supporters in the Senate with 51 needed for passage. And don't forget we still are fighting an extremely powerful lobby in Washington.

I mean it was just about a month ago that it happened. Media ownership was dealt out to a handful of the elite brotherhood, and you could kiss goodbye to another huge glob of American democracy. I wrote a whole sad, paranoids-are-right-sometimes-blog about what I THOUGHT was going to The Kind of Blog Clear Channel Warns You About happen to me, for example.

But now it looks like there's a canary singing in that mine shaft. Despite the expected 3-2 vote by the boys in Bush's pocket, on June 2nd, the Senate Commerce Committee listened to the hue and cry and on June 19th not only undid the worst of it, but told those old boys the corruption had to stop. They can't play dirty like that any more. They have to bring their slimey selves and their business practices out into the light for everybody to see. So there. They were, the articles all said, "rebuked." But we can't stop now.

Here's something you can do right now to keep your airwaves free: Take Action, Write an E-Mail. Nothing could be easier--you don't even have to use your own words if you'd rather not. Or you can call it in: Three minutes and here Call it In--you don't have to know the name of your Congressional Representative or look up a phone number. You just need your zip code. MoveOn suggests we jam the phone lines in the Senate with a simple message, "We want a media that is diverse, competitive and engaged with the local concerns of the communities where we live. But we can only have that if Senators support S. 1046 and S. 1264, the measures that will overturn FCC rule changes that benefit only big media."

For more information about the relevant legislation or the issue in general, go to www.mediareform.net or www.commoncause.org.

There are so many issues, I know. Who knows where to put your energy these days. I would list some, but I'd get too depressed. But I'll admit it. I selfishly care a whole lot about this one because I have kids, and kids get sucked into the media. They believe what they read, see and hear without checking it out. And please don't tell me that's my job. I cannot be there 24/7--let's get real. My kids are teenagers now. Truth be told, I'll always love them no matter what: But please God, don't let me raise little, mindless Republicans or worse. Here's an article from Salon briefly outlining the FCC's idea of children's educational programming, if you need convincing. "When you're out in publilc, always check to make sure no spies are following you." Can you imagine Ashcroft or Tom Ridge being allowed input on children's programming? Now that's a scary movie nightmare.

It's up to us to take back the FCC. And protect our children's minds. Can I say that an angel just might get its wings? No? I didn't think so. But Frank Capra probably couldn't direct movies today either--not enough violence and action to suit the producers. Oh well. Where's my Prozac?

SECRETS, LIES & DECEPTION

I had to come back from the Land of the Living Dead (Work & Depression) to tell you something that happened recently with this blog that I find absolutely unnerving. I've mentioned a few key words and phrases that bring people here by way of Yahoo, Google, MSN, Webcrawler, et al.--Words and phrases like hugging strangers, hugging in your sleep, lapdancers (I'm afraid so), sex on cocaine (another I'm afraid so, but as I explained recently, not what you'd think), Natalie Maines, Juliana Beasley (lapdancer/photographer of same), Bob Dylan, Hunter S. Thompson, and, of course, the big one: Eplpdx02. But now, I have a key sentence I cannot begin to fathom.

I guess even Google suspects there is something shady about me and my sinister weblog. "I Don't Sleep At Night" tells you something right there. They must think: This person is at home with the clandestine. Night falls and her sinister activities begin. She certainly must know a thing or two about aliases and hiding out and being sought.

Anyhow, the sentence that pointed the searcher to this blog is, are you ready?: "I keep trying to change my screen name because he searches sites I go to." Go over to Google and try it now if you want. Just be sure to come back. You'll see. I sure don't get it.

Or stay here, and I'll tell you what it looks like for that search. The other search products listed vary from making some sense to making none at all. The first one mentioned is a small customer newsletter I think. The second, some kind of weird personal journal. And then the third and fourth make some sense by being guides to internet safety. But Google loses it by six with some "inessential com weblog" (that's the title) with the most recent entry of 8/30/02 stating, "a new beta--before noon (Pacific) even," and I don't think it's talking about fish; and number 7, this blog, with the description as follows: " ... eclipses act as triggers of enormous change, propelling us ... name for everything with
only BookCrossings having your real ... is that if I want to keep my two-month ...
hushabye.blogspot.com/2003_05_25_hushabye_archive.html - 31k - Cached - Similar." Nonsense talk, huh? What does BookCrossings have to do with eclipses?

I want to know more about the person who did this search, don't you? How desperate was she (I've decided it's a female) to ask this question of Google? Was it just idle, noodling on the keyboard? Or was it frantic, dead end street, no place left to look? I wonder if the person asked Jeeves.com? Sorry, but I always askjeeves.com everything. Who is this madman who won't let her have internet privacy? Does she know to erase her history and recent document files and address bar and temporary internet files? Has he been here snooping around?

Well, I'm sure that I Don't Sleep At Night didn't help her at all. She, too, must wonder about Google's searches. Something odd's afoot. BookCrossings, which I have mentioned in this blog , does have my real name, but does that mean because I use a couple of screen names that I am living a lie? Or that "the trigger of enormous change" caused me to go from MsRefusnik to MsGranddame and therefore I am some kind of authority on deception? I just don't get it? If you even have a tiny clue, facetious or otherwise, drop me an e-mail please. E-mail is top right under Google News.

Something odd did happen to me in regard to the BookCrossings entry I did here. I hate to admit this, but I frequently get all wound up about something new and exciting, and I mean to do it always and forever. Then procrastination sets in, and before you can say "What was I going to do?"; I have forgotten it and taken up something new.

The Shadow knows. If you read my entry on May 27th about BookCrossing, I extol what a worthwhile organization it is. I say it will raise your karma to set your old books free for others to enjoy. And I wrote how I couldn't wait to get busy listing my books to "return to the wild" as they call it; not to mention the fun of sorting through other people's bookshelves for free books. I did tell a friend, a fellow book lover. We both agreed it sounded like a wonderful opportunity and a lot of fun. Then I went back to my computer and forgot about it entirely. The only books I read anymore are much like the 1,000 pager I am currently reading, "Using Microsoft Windows XP Home Edition" by Robert Cowart & Brian Knittel, 2002 (***1/2). I also have read three books about weblogs that I really should review. ( Don't judge by this blog. I can still review books I think.) So I just haven't sifted through my books like I meant to. Since I got this new computer I can hardly believe I used to whip through fiction.

Anyhow, I was looking at one of my searches in Google, when what to my wondering eyes did appear, but the very private (they promised me absolute confidentiality) form I filled out for BookCrossings, with my age and some evil notation about how few people I referred to the the program. Here, I've already been outed. You might as well have a look too. See there: 0, 0, 0, 0, Someone wanted to shame me by posting my zero-zero form. Well shame on me I guess. You can e-mail and say it if you like. I can take it. And I still plan to participate, despite knowing there's somebody in that organization who is just out to get me, perhaps a bibliosnob. (I confess. After linking it here, I did go back and change some incriminating evidence on the form--like my age and where I live.)

So what will turn up next in the search engine pages I wonder? My bitterly contested divorce complete with custody documents? The keyword sentence will be I Don't Sleep At Night Divorce Documents. Or perhaps my bank statement? How about my tax forms? Or maybe Webcrawler or one of them would like to put my personal journal on the search engine site and call it a weblog and use my real name? Won't I be surprised? I bet my teenage daughter wouldn't mind submitting it if she could find it.

But everyone has their little secrets. Secrets do get out. I asked a so-called friend of mine, friend no more, who thought he was Dr. Phil or something, but he was just his evil twin looking to be vicious and cruel, with a big problem projecting things he saw in himself onto others, to please stay out of my life altogether not even reading this blog. He would just be critical of me like always. He still comes around though, paranoid that I might say something about him, which now I guess will: Dave Ten Ten, Mr. mplsdsigw6poolA131.mpls.uswest.net on your Netscape Navigator 4x Windows 98 with screen resolution of 800 x 600., why did you have to go psycho? There was no call for that. You have a lifetime of anger and currently no one to dump it on, I understand that. But why me? I sure didn't deserve that shit. I still feel you really need a 12-step support group, preferably for persons who have dug their graves with a fork. But, no. You're too unique for any group. Even though the weight combined with the diabetes is reducing your life to months, you still go on about "something in me prefers this state to not being obese" and "so I do understand my situation. I do understand the physiology and much of the psychology that cause it. I can point to many events in my childhood, to the emotional deprivations and abuse all the children in my family suffered. I too have legitimate reasons for my condition." YOUR body must be fat. You found doctors who concur and stay off your back. All your intellectualizing has not amounted to a tinker's dam. Who is living in their disease here? Who has become his diease? Who would do anything not to give up his disease?

So that's my rambling entry for today. I hope if you stayed with me I didn't make you seasick with all this spinning around topics. I will post more often and avoid this logorrhea.