I Still Don't Sleep At Night

SECRETS, LIES & DECEPTION

I had to come back from the Land of the Living Dead (Work & Depression) to tell you something that happened recently with this blog that I find absolutely unnerving. I've mentioned a few key words and phrases that bring people here by way of Yahoo, Google, MSN, Webcrawler, et al.--Words and phrases like hugging strangers, hugging in your sleep, lapdancers (I'm afraid so), sex on cocaine (another I'm afraid so, but as I explained recently, not what you'd think), Natalie Maines, Juliana Beasley (lapdancer/photographer of same), Bob Dylan, Hunter S. Thompson, and, of course, the big one: Eplpdx02. But now, I have a key sentence I cannot begin to fathom.

I guess even Google suspects there is something shady about me and my sinister weblog. "I Don't Sleep At Night" tells you something right there. They must think: This person is at home with the clandestine. Night falls and her sinister activities begin. She certainly must know a thing or two about aliases and hiding out and being sought.

Anyhow, the sentence that pointed the searcher to this blog is, are you ready?: "I keep trying to change my screen name because he searches sites I go to." Go over to Google and try it now if you want. Just be sure to come back. You'll see. I sure don't get it.

Or stay here, and I'll tell you what it looks like for that search. The other search products listed vary from making some sense to making none at all. The first one mentioned is a small customer newsletter I think. The second, some kind of weird personal journal. And then the third and fourth make some sense by being guides to internet safety. But Google loses it by six with some "inessential com weblog" (that's the title) with the most recent entry of 8/30/02 stating, "a new beta--before noon (Pacific) even," and I don't think it's talking about fish; and number 7, this blog, with the description as follows: " ... eclipses act as triggers of enormous change, propelling us ... name for everything with
only BookCrossings having your real ... is that if I want to keep my two-month ...
hushabye.blogspot.com/2003_05_25_hushabye_archive.html - 31k - Cached - Similar." Nonsense talk, huh? What does BookCrossings have to do with eclipses?

I want to know more about the person who did this search, don't you? How desperate was she (I've decided it's a female) to ask this question of Google? Was it just idle, noodling on the keyboard? Or was it frantic, dead end street, no place left to look? I wonder if the person asked Jeeves.com? Sorry, but I always askjeeves.com everything. Who is this madman who won't let her have internet privacy? Does she know to erase her history and recent document files and address bar and temporary internet files? Has he been here snooping around?

Well, I'm sure that I Don't Sleep At Night didn't help her at all. She, too, must wonder about Google's searches. Something odd's afoot. BookCrossings, which I have mentioned in this blog , does have my real name, but does that mean because I use a couple of screen names that I am living a lie? Or that "the trigger of enormous change" caused me to go from MsRefusnik to MsGranddame and therefore I am some kind of authority on deception? I just don't get it? If you even have a tiny clue, facetious or otherwise, drop me an e-mail please. E-mail is top right under Google News.

Something odd did happen to me in regard to the BookCrossings entry I did here. I hate to admit this, but I frequently get all wound up about something new and exciting, and I mean to do it always and forever. Then procrastination sets in, and before you can say "What was I going to do?"; I have forgotten it and taken up something new.

The Shadow knows. If you read my entry on May 27th about BookCrossing, I extol what a worthwhile organization it is. I say it will raise your karma to set your old books free for others to enjoy. And I wrote how I couldn't wait to get busy listing my books to "return to the wild" as they call it; not to mention the fun of sorting through other people's bookshelves for free books. I did tell a friend, a fellow book lover. We both agreed it sounded like a wonderful opportunity and a lot of fun. Then I went back to my computer and forgot about it entirely. The only books I read anymore are much like the 1,000 pager I am currently reading, "Using Microsoft Windows XP Home Edition" by Robert Cowart & Brian Knittel, 2002 (***1/2). I also have read three books about weblogs that I really should review. ( Don't judge by this blog. I can still review books I think.) So I just haven't sifted through my books like I meant to. Since I got this new computer I can hardly believe I used to whip through fiction.

Anyhow, I was looking at one of my searches in Google, when what to my wondering eyes did appear, but the very private (they promised me absolute confidentiality) form I filled out for BookCrossings, with my age and some evil notation about how few people I referred to the the program. Here, I've already been outed. You might as well have a look too. See there: 0, 0, 0, 0, Someone wanted to shame me by posting my zero-zero form. Well shame on me I guess. You can e-mail and say it if you like. I can take it. And I still plan to participate, despite knowing there's somebody in that organization who is just out to get me, perhaps a bibliosnob. (I confess. After linking it here, I did go back and change some incriminating evidence on the form--like my age and where I live.)

So what will turn up next in the search engine pages I wonder? My bitterly contested divorce complete with custody documents? The keyword sentence will be I Don't Sleep At Night Divorce Documents. Or perhaps my bank statement? How about my tax forms? Or maybe Webcrawler or one of them would like to put my personal journal on the search engine site and call it a weblog and use my real name? Won't I be surprised? I bet my teenage daughter wouldn't mind submitting it if she could find it.

But everyone has their little secrets. Secrets do get out. I asked a so-called friend of mine, friend no more, who thought he was Dr. Phil or something, but he was just his evil twin looking to be vicious and cruel, with a big problem projecting things he saw in himself onto others, to please stay out of my life altogether not even reading this blog. He would just be critical of me like always. He still comes around though, paranoid that I might say something about him, which now I guess will: Dave Ten Ten, Mr. mplsdsigw6poolA131.mpls.uswest.net on your Netscape Navigator 4x Windows 98 with screen resolution of 800 x 600., why did you have to go psycho? There was no call for that. You have a lifetime of anger and currently no one to dump it on, I understand that. But why me? I sure didn't deserve that shit. I still feel you really need a 12-step support group, preferably for persons who have dug their graves with a fork. But, no. You're too unique for any group. Even though the weight combined with the diabetes is reducing your life to months, you still go on about "something in me prefers this state to not being obese" and "so I do understand my situation. I do understand the physiology and much of the psychology that cause it. I can point to many events in my childhood, to the emotional deprivations and abuse all the children in my family suffered. I too have legitimate reasons for my condition." YOUR body must be fat. You found doctors who concur and stay off your back. All your intellectualizing has not amounted to a tinker's dam. Who is living in their disease here? Who has become his diease? Who would do anything not to give up his disease?

So that's my rambling entry for today. I hope if you stayed with me I didn't make you seasick with all this spinning around topics. I will post more often and avoid this logorrhea.