Friday, August 08, 2003
BEEN DOWN SO LONG IT LOOKS LIKE UP TO ME
Well, it's 4:16 a.m. and I had planned to catch up on sleep tonight. I went to bed early, midnight. Now here I am wide awake, and not too happy about it. I've read all I have to say about insomnia. I've read the materials I have put together about the subject. For two cents I'll tell you what I can do with them right now too. Who's going to take care of me when I'm a night roamer I ask? I want someone to come over and make me a big steaming hot chocolate with marshmallows, fluff my pillows, perhaps make me a snack and then tiptoe away.
But without expecting anything nice like that, I got up anyhow and found my way to the computer , and there was a very caring e-mail from my good friend Ellen. My God, how could I have left out the BIG reason for sleep trouble: depression. How quickly we forget. But Ellen has taken me to the hospital on several occasions when I could no longer take care of myself because depression had taken over. I couldn't eat, slept too much or not enough, mostly couldn't get out of bed to do anything, and pretty much had lost all interest in living.
Because she knows me and maybe because she remembers, I just found this short meditation called God on the Floor."
I have called to God from various floors, alleys, curbs, and bus stops and God listened. I'm still bipolar, and I suppose I'll always start my days with a handful of pills, but I can get up out of bed, get dressed and go to work or wherever I need to be. I can be a mother to my kids. I care what happens in the world. I spent years not being able to care about much of anything.
I was one of the blessed ones, the lucky ones. It took a few years but I found a doctor who finally listened to me, diagnosed me correctly and stuck with me until she got me on the right medications. Here's a statistic I found in a New Yorks Times article I won't be linking (More Americans Seeking Help For Depression) because it's now available by sale only, " National Comorbidity Study finds that more than half of Americans who suffer from depression now seek treatment, up from one-third ten years ago, but nearly 60 percent of those in treatment do not receive adequate care." I could tell you stories that sound like the old movie Snake Pit, and so could most other recipients of mental health care in this country if they tried services for more than a few weeks without first class insurance.
Anyhow, all of that is another day another post. I just don't know how I could have left out depression and sleep disorders. I felt like I slept for months at a time or else I never slept at all when I was manic. If you think this could be the cause of your insomnia, please see a good doctor. I would say see a psychiatrist. Don't wait to "snap out of it." I won't get started on how much I hate that phrase because then I'll never get back to sleep, but please, don't ever let anyone tell you to "snap out of it." You very well might have a chemical inbalance and those just don't snap. In the meantime, while you're waiting to outgrow your misery or whatever it's destroying your life and the lives of those who love you.
Do something about it tomorrow. Me? I forgot my medication yesterday. I just realized why that's why I'm making the night rounds. Could be worse. Oh, yes, it could be worse. And I found God at the computer tonight. I didn't have to meet Him on the floor today. But still it was good to be reminded so I can be grateful.
So What Do YOU Think? COMMENTS
Well, it's 4:16 a.m. and I had planned to catch up on sleep tonight. I went to bed early, midnight. Now here I am wide awake, and not too happy about it. I've read all I have to say about insomnia. I've read the materials I have put together about the subject. For two cents I'll tell you what I can do with them right now too. Who's going to take care of me when I'm a night roamer I ask? I want someone to come over and make me a big steaming hot chocolate with marshmallows, fluff my pillows, perhaps make me a snack and then tiptoe away.
But without expecting anything nice like that, I got up anyhow and found my way to the computer , and there was a very caring e-mail from my good friend Ellen. My God, how could I have left out the BIG reason for sleep trouble: depression. How quickly we forget. But Ellen has taken me to the hospital on several occasions when I could no longer take care of myself because depression had taken over. I couldn't eat, slept too much or not enough, mostly couldn't get out of bed to do anything, and pretty much had lost all interest in living.
Because she knows me and maybe because she remembers, I just found this short meditation called God on the Floor."
I have called to God from various floors, alleys, curbs, and bus stops and God listened. I'm still bipolar, and I suppose I'll always start my days with a handful of pills, but I can get up out of bed, get dressed and go to work or wherever I need to be. I can be a mother to my kids. I care what happens in the world. I spent years not being able to care about much of anything.
I was one of the blessed ones, the lucky ones. It took a few years but I found a doctor who finally listened to me, diagnosed me correctly and stuck with me until she got me on the right medications. Here's a statistic I found in a New Yorks Times article I won't be linking (More Americans Seeking Help For Depression) because it's now available by sale only, " National Comorbidity Study finds that more than half of Americans who suffer from depression now seek treatment, up from one-third ten years ago, but nearly 60 percent of those in treatment do not receive adequate care." I could tell you stories that sound like the old movie Snake Pit, and so could most other recipients of mental health care in this country if they tried services for more than a few weeks without first class insurance.
Anyhow, all of that is another day another post. I just don't know how I could have left out depression and sleep disorders. I felt like I slept for months at a time or else I never slept at all when I was manic. If you think this could be the cause of your insomnia, please see a good doctor. I would say see a psychiatrist. Don't wait to "snap out of it." I won't get started on how much I hate that phrase because then I'll never get back to sleep, but please, don't ever let anyone tell you to "snap out of it." You very well might have a chemical inbalance and those just don't snap. In the meantime, while you're waiting to outgrow your misery or whatever it's destroying your life and the lives of those who love you.
Do something about it tomorrow. Me? I forgot my medication yesterday. I just realized why that's why I'm making the night rounds. Could be worse. Oh, yes, it could be worse. And I found God at the computer tonight. I didn't have to meet Him on the floor today. But still it was good to be reminded so I can be grateful.
So What Do YOU Think? COMMENTS
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